I was just heading out of the mall last Saturday from CD shopping when I heard someone bellowing out my name. I turned around to see who it was but could only spot some middle-aged looking woman barrelling down upon me.

"It's me Maggie", she yelled out, looking for some sort of acknowledgement of recognition on my face.

I stared at her up and down for a second trying to match the voice to the name to the face and was still really drawing a blank.

"It's Maggie Snow, don't pretend that you don't remember me"?

I had dated a Maggie Snow about 10 years ago, but she certainly looked nothing like this old hound. Could this be her after all these years?

"Of course I recognize you Maggie", I said weakly, attempting to recover from my social faux pas.

After a couple of minutes of small talk, I was assured that this was indeed my old girlfriend Maggie even though she really didn't resemble the Maggie I remember in any way all those years ago. Back then she was a pretty hot looking woman. I use to call her Shaggy Maggie when I was in a good mood, Haggy Maggie when she was annoying me and Slaggy Maggie when she pissed me off. I didn't know what to call this version of her now, so I stuck with her given name.

Despite my misgivings about reliving the past, Maggie dragged me into the malls coffee shop so we could sit down to "catch up".

Before I proceed, I should tell you that I am one of those people who hates to reminisce about old times. I figure I lived through the stuff once so I don't need to keep talking about it. Reminiscing is for the elderly and the inferior, whose better moments in life are all behind them. I do not fit into either category.

Of course I will always make exceptions if it involves a hot looking woman, but this was certainly not the case here today. I was already scouting out the exit as Maggie returned to the table with our lattes.

I was hoping Miss Shaggy did not have her eye on me this evening, because time had clearly not been kind to her, the poor soul. If she was going to be fishing for a date, she best be searching in other waters, the dirty old troll.

"I almost didn't recognize you", she said. You look different from 10 year ago. You are a few pounds heavier and have a little less hair than when we last were going out".

I was both shocked and wounded by her unprovoked and rude comments. Evidently her eyes as well as the rest of her were failing apart as I am sure I haven't changed much at all in the past few years.

I wanted to lash out at her, but being the level-headed man of the world that I was, I simply lied and said, "Well you haven't changed a bit, what have you been up to in the past decade".

That should shut the old cow up about me, damn Haggy Maggie, I thought.

Haggy went on nattering for about 5 minutes telling me about her getting married and now having 3 children ages 3, 5 and 7.

She advised that she went to night school and finally got her degree while working days in a boutique. Her husband was a successful lawyer and they had just purchased both a new home and also a store in this mall called "The Party Store" which apparently sold novelty items for parties.

I thought that rather appropriate for this old frump that she was selling some sort of useless crap to people. It certainly suited her appearance.

Maggie then asked "What's new and exciting in your world"? using a sneering tone which I immediately did not care for.

As I pondered her question I realized that I honestly could not think of one thing to say. Had my life been so uneventful this past decade that there was nothing even somewhat significant to mention? Had I squandered away 10 years just living with nothing to show for it but some good memories.

This really got me thinking and it also put me in a bit of a uncomfortable and defensive mood.

Embarrassed, all I could say was "I just bought these 2 new CD's" as I proudly waved them in the air. It was pretty lame, but sadly the truth.

Haggy just stared at me for a minute and then continued talking incessantly about her favourite subject which was apparently herself.

As she was boring me with her horribly dull monologue of pseudo-success, all I could think was "I gotta get out of here, I can't take listening to this mindless drivel much longer"

When she finally shut her gob to take a much overdue breath of air, I advised her that I had to go shortly to my nephews house as it was his birthday party today and he was turning six. (in reality I was heading to the pub to drown this miserable conversation out of my head)

"That's odd", she said frowning, "I recall your sister was in my store last month buying party favours for his birthday for that evening. I only remember it because it was Valentines day".

I quickly cursed myself for having forgotten that Haggy actually knew my sister and my nephew Mikey. Being a fast thinker, I immediately came up with a response.

Attempting to sound downcast, I informed her that my sister has a secret drinking problem and is a recovering alcoholic. Obviously she had her dates mixed up as today was actually Mikey's birthday.

"I think I would know when my favourite nephews birthday was", I responded sounding completely convincing.

Haggy looked really embarrassed and apologized profusely. "I am so very sorry, I honestly didn't know about your sisters problem" she replied blushing.

Knowing I had pulled the wool over this daft cows eyes so easily, I now became quite pleased with myself. I really wanted to twist the knife in a bit more (yes, I know I am cruel) by muttering slowly "Yes, a family tragedy it is. That poor little boy of hers is the true victim here" and looking dismally towards the ground. (inside I was busting up laughing, but that will teach the nosey bitch for asking ME what is new and exciting in my life).

"Wait a minute", Haggy interrupted. "Young Mikey was with your sister last month and he said his birthday was that night, he was really very excited about his party, I remember it distinctly".

Haggy squinted her eyes at me like she had caught me in some sort of bold face lie. The crows feet really were noticeable when she did that. All the bottles of Oil of Olay were not going to get rid of those trenches, I thought.

Offended at the very insinuation that I was lying, I quickly informed Haggy that "The child is a complete idiot. Quite stupid."

"He doesn't know when the Hell his birthday is" I informed her dryly. "I think there is actually something wrong with his head"

Smugly I sat back in my seat and sipped the latte knowing I had once again outwitted this woman and she could now go Piss Off.

Haggy looked rather shocked at my comments about the child but had no reply to it. She actually looked repulsed at my statements. Victory was clearly mine.

She rambled on a few more minutes about more nonsense I cannot even recall and then finally as we were getting ready to depart, she asked if I wanted to come over to her new house next week for a BBQ and meet her family as well as see some other friends we once hung out with many many years ago.

I could think of anything less enticing than doing that, short of a lobotomy. Once again I had to come up with a small white lie. I am not a good liar by nature, but I was getting in some good practice tonight and was incontestably on a roll.

"Next Saturday, er, no I have already got plans. It's my sisters birthday and we are taking her out on a pub crawl to all the downtown bars", I informed her knowing I had successfully evaded her invitation.

"What", she gasped with her eyes bulging, "I thought you told me earlier she is a recovering alcoholic, are you crazy?, Slaggy asked in a very demanding tone.

Damn, I thought. I could not keep my filthy lies straight. I must practice them later on, but for now I must hold my ground and not blink.

"Errr, yes yes she is, but at some point she must get back on the horse and all that....as they say, If you first don't succeed"

I was now sweating profusely from my string of lies and I noticed that old Slaggy looked quite horrified by my comments. It was like she had seen a ghost or something as her face was all squashed in some manner as if she were having a stroke.

Before she could utter yet another stupid word or further question my impeccable credibility, I quickly waved good bye and rushed out the side door of the shop, clutching my CD's.

That didn't go too badly at all, I thought smiling to myself as I got into my car. What's new and exciting in your world, indeed. Damn old nosey Byatch!