I am not really sure how I can describe all of this. It appears I may have innocently and unknowingly gotten myself involved in some sort of cult. Mind you, it appears to be a very upscale & posh organization, but a cult nonetheless.  Perhaps I should explain.

So I am indulging myself at "Rib Night" down at the pub when, in feverously chomping down upon my 25th complimentary garlic rib or so, I hear a little crack in my gob which I ignore and continue my free feast. A few days later however, I pay the hefty price of my uncontrolled gluttony as my one tooth is aching quite badly.

Being a real man, I have no regular dentist per say...damn I havn't seen one in at least five years. Body & mind are in quite good working order, teeth are top notch, etc. Well, kinda, until today, so I pick one out randomly from the phone book and come across the name of FAMILY Dental Clinic.

Excellent, the doctor works on everyone including kids, I figure he's got to be good with guys like me since he deals with wimpy kids. He will be gentle and quick, exactly what I need so I make an appointment with the doctor.

Maria, the receptionist greeted me warmly when I arrived at the doctors rather fancy looking upscale offices. This rather attractive woman had me fill out a number of health plan related forms while telling me about the practise which was apparently geared to repeat customers.

She advised me that Dr. Robert Smith liked to be called by his first name, was an excellent dentist and took great care of his patients or "family" as she referred to them.

After this, I was led into the Ready-room, X-rays apparently must be done immediately and there was no time to lose. They don't know me, I don't know them, "This is how we get to know one another" Maria reassured me in a super sickly child-like voice (had she not been as attractive as she was I probably would have puked on the spot from the voice, as it was I simply smiled & nodded like an idiot)

Next, my hot dental technician Annette was going to give me up to a dozen X-rays. I was "up for it" and ready to go until Miss. Annette handed me a 30lb Lead apron and advised me to cover myself.

"Are you okay, Miss. Annette inquired" Being a man of the world I responded positively although I was shaking in my boots thinking about this damn lead apron, and hoping it would protect my genitals as well as the rest of me from the many unknown dangers of this horrific machine of theirs.

After a couple of minutes, Miss. Annette had completed her business and then thanked me for the opportunity of taking the x-rays. She then advised me that "I was an excellent patient & that Dr. Robert would be very pleased with me". (I really did not give a damn if the doctor would be pleased or not but I was quite enjoying the attention from Annette in all this)

I then sat waiting for the infamous Dr. Robert who appeared after a long 10 minute span. He was a very well dressed, short balding man in his late fifties, and did not even bother to apologize for his tardiness in making me wait.

"I hope you have been made to feel like family here", he asked, not really listening for my answer.

I really hoped he would NOT treat me like family since I would then expect him to swear at me & tell me how disappointing a son I have been.

Dr. Robert examined my X-rays and found a crack in my tooth. A root canal was in order. His time was far too valuable to discuss such a thing and then disappeared to summon yet another magical assistant named Toni to both describe the problem and answer any of my absurd questions.

Miss. Toni was yet another fantastic looking woman with long dark hair, gorgeous body and a very engaging manner about her. I forgot all of my tooth pain & dental questions the minute she walked into the room. "Root canal, I thought, the more the better as long as sweet Toni is around".

The cult of using beautiful assistants in nice white dental nurse uniforms was working on me.

Miss Annette than returned with a huge needle to freeze me up. "Let me just put this in your mouth for a minute", she said in a very seductive manner.

I obediently did so hoping that I would be saying that exact same line to her one day soon under much different circumstances.

I was terrified by this process and also scared of needles but could not let on in front of the two gorgeous woman for fear that they may think of me as a wimp.

I then sat there drooling for the next 15 minutes either as a result of the freezing or from staring at both the bewitching Toni and magnificent Annette.

During this time the ladies told me how wonderful a man the doctor was and how a great dentist he is. "He is like a father to all his patients, he just cares so much"

If he thought I was going to call him "Dad" he could kiss my ass, I don't care how great a man he is, I thought as I was smiling and nodding to the girls. (as a rule I am not one to smile and nod a lot however today I found myself doing this quite a bit)

As I continued waiting for his Majesty the doctor to return, I glanced around the office & noticed a picture on the desk. Upon closer scrutiny it was a photo of the doctor with Maria the receptionist, Toni and Annette.

Was this sick twisted bastard involved in some type of foursome with these women? What kind of a freak puts up pictures of his coworkers on his desk, he sees all of them everyday?

I was not sure if I was digusted or jealous of the doctor but before I could continue to further speculate on this perplexing issue, the doctor finally reappeared and began the work of giving me a root canal.

I found his manner and approach to be less than desirable as he was not too overly concerned with my level of comfort and a couple of times I had to tell him I was in agony from his lacklustre dentistry. (these coincidentally were the times when neither of his wonderful assistants were in the room.)

After an hour or so, the doctor finally finished his torture and my pain slowly subsided. As I gazed over into the mirror, I looked like a lion who had just enjoyed a fresh kill with all the blood and drool all over me. I was thankful for the lobster-type bib which I was still wearing. I had not drooled this much since our Guinness drinking contest this last Christmas. I recall that however as being a very good drool not like the disgusting slobbering I was doing this afternoon.

I felt like some retard and probably looked like one too as the freezing was still firmly in place.

As the doctor nonchalantly sauntered out of the room he casually muttered that I should probably make another appointment in about a week with him to finish the job.

I had already decided as I left the room that there was no way in Hell I was going to come back to this hack. The old fool made me wait far too long, caused me unnecessary pain, suffering and trauma, was quite rude and gruff in his manner, continually disappeared for 10 minute stretches at a time and overall did some rather shoddy workmanship. He had certainly seen the last of me.

This thought was reinforced as I paid for my dental work and almost collapsed at the astronomical charges the good doctor had billed me for.

I no longer wondered how he could afford such a fancy office with expensive furniture and equipment, definitely he would not be seeing me again.

I looked over my shoulder as I stepped outside of the office and both Toni and Annette were waving goodbye towards me.

They really looked good in those dental smocks of theirs, I thought.

I arrived home and immediately forgot about everything in the last few hours except the girls, so I called to make another appointment for early next week. I also arranged for a cleaning as well since Maria sounded so sweet over the phone.

My new second family sounded very appreciative for my call. That wasn't too bad at all, I love root canals. I could go for another, I thought as I hung up the phone.

I am such an idiot.