I really should know better than to do any shopping in the old neighbourhood where I grew up since I inevitably run into people from the past which I really do not want to see.

Last Saturday afternoon I forgot this rule of mine and found myself at the mall after visiting my parents. Just as I was coming out of one of the stores, I ran into an old friend from school, Tom and his younger sister Anna.

I had not seen either of them in years and since then Anna had evidently grown into a very gorgeous young lady. We all decided to sit down and have lunch at the food court and reminisce.

Tom and his entire family were born in Poland and had moved to Canada when he was only 6 years old. Being that they were living in my neighbourhood, we all went through every school grade together and although we knew one another quite well, we were never great friends as our interests were much different. Today though, my sole interest was on his sister Anna, so I attempted to make a very good impression.

We were all joking and getting along famously when all of a sudden Anna stood up and announced that she needed to finish up some shopping and would be back within 10 minutes and then we could leave.

Tom looked at his watch and said "Make sure you are no longer than ten minutes because I have to get to work and I can't be late so if you aren't back, I'm gone and you can walk"

I immediately saw an opening here to both go out with Anna and also look good. It was too good an opportunity to pass up.

"I have nothing to do this afternoon". I announced trying to sound as casual & nonchalant as possible. "Why don't I wait for Anna and I can give her a ride home and that way no one needs to rush or be late."

Anna was very grateful and loved the idea. She said she would be back in a 20 minutes. Meanwhile Tom gave me a very odd and suspicious look, but waited for his sister to leave before saying anything.

After she left he spoke up.

"You really don't want to get involved with her, she's the biggest spoiled princess you will ever meet", he advised. "That is why she is still single. My parents and grandmother have given into her for everything and now she expects everyone around her to be at her beck and call. She is selfish, demanding and self-centered and no guy puts up with this".

"Hmmm", I thought to myself. "Is this comment coming from a reliable old friend or just an over-protective concerned brother"? I decided it must be the latter and advised my "old buddy Tom" that I have been around long enough and could take care of her. Boy, did I ever misread this entire situation.

Forty-five minutes later as I sat in the food court all by myself, Anna finally arrived back with a number of oversized shopping bags. Without even an apology for being extremely late she then informed me that "You can drive me home now."

As we were heading back to her parents house, I asked her if she would like to go out for a drink or two, which she agreed to.

We arrived at my usual pub and both sat down and ordered. It was then that I realized Tom was telling me the truth about her because she was both extremely annoying and demanding almost from the start. Her conversation consisted of only one subject - herself, and it was quite evident that anything & everything discussed must center around her.

After listening to a half hour of "The Anna Show", I understood what a huge mistake I had made asking her out for a drink.

When I ordered only my second Guinness she suddenly blurted out "I hope you are not going to get drunk here, you are my ride home and I don't want to be in an accident"

I informed her that this was only my second pint and I could drink a great deal more than that before I would be even be getting remotely drunk.

"Is that suppose to impress me", Anna responded coldly. "You can drink tons, you should know that really does not impress women".

I stared at her for a moment before responding. "It is just an expression", I replied. "It means that I am not drunk and have no intentions of being so".

"What a hag", I thought to myself. "Oh well, I will get through this evening somehow".

Just then I saw two friends from work Joan and Sharon, a couple of seats over and I quickly wanted to say "Hi" to them. I excused myself and went to talk to them for under two minutes before I returned.

Anna was glaring at me as I sat down and before I could say anything she firmly stated "I am not in the custom of being taken out by someone and then being ignored in favour of two whores. I expect you to give me your full attention or you will drive me home NOW"

That was it. I wasn't going to take this crap from this spoiled little BYATCH any further. I stood up and announced "OK, lets go. It is time for you to go home and I'll be more than happy to take you there".

After a ten minute drive totally in silence, we arrived at her home and she quickly jumped out of the car and slammed the door behind her.

As I drove off to head back to the pub and finish my drink, I looked over my shoulder and noticed all of Anna's shopping bags still sitting in my back seat.

"Damn", I thought. "Well there is no way I am giving her these back today. Maybe tomorrow I'll either drop off her junk or burn it all in some sick and twisted ceremony. It will all depend on my mood tomorrow".

I must have calmed down a great deal by Sunday afternoon as I arrived at Anna's house to return all of her shopping bags. Tom answered the door and I thrust the offensive bags at him while explaining the whole horrible adventure of the previous evening.

"Yeah, it doesn't surprise me", he responded. "But don't say I didn't try and warn you in advance - she is like that with everyone".

Tom then invited me for a beer out on their back patio. Sitting at the picnic table was Tom and Anna's old Grandmother, who was resting in silence with her eyes closed dozing in the sun. Tom sat down beside her and I was across the table as we continued our conversation.

"Anna was still pretty mad at you this morning when I spoke with her", Tom advised. "She said you were no gentleman, but she says that about most guys".

I also found this statement funny and we both laughed aloud when I added "Yeah, well going out with her was like dating Hitler".

As we continued joking back & forth, old Granny's eyes suddenly opened extremely wide and she stared intently at me. I felt a cold shiver come over me.

Finally she blurted out "Do you find that funny saying that my beautiful granddaughter is like Hitler? You dare to compare my little Anna with the worst killer in history"?

I must have gone totally white with shock at the old lady's unexpected outburst. I had thought she was fast asleep but it was obvious she must have been eavesdropping on our private conversation the entire time and evidently misunderstood my little joke.

"Er, no", I responded. "It was just a joke, an expression is all. I did not mean to offend you by my remarks".

Old Granny continued to stare at me with a foul and twisted expression on her wrinkled face.

"Let me tell you - Hitler was no joke", she continued. "I was a young girl in Poland during the war and it was not a joke. He was a brutal murderer. What kind of man are you to say my beautiful Anna is like him?"

"An expression, just an expression", I continued to respond in a higher pitched defensive voice when finally Tom interjected on my behalf.

"Now come on Gran, don't work yourself up. He didn't mean anything by it. Let me go get you a nice glass of ice tea", he stated and with that he jumped up and went into the house to fetch her a glass.

The old lady went silent for a minute or so and was heedfully staring at me which, needless to say, made me very uncomfortable. I tried to break the strained silence by changing the subject.

"Beautiful weather for October, eh", I observed realizing it was a very lame and quite pointless statement on my part.

Old Granny remained silent for yet another minute and then exclaimed "You are much too old for my Anna anyway, you are like an old predator"

I took offence to that entire statement and finally getting my nerve back I abruptly informed her that I was only two years older than her precious granddaughter.

"So says you", the old woman grunted in clear disbelief of my declaration.

Just then Anna came out of the back door and gave her Granny a big hug and sat down beside her, ignoring me entirely.

The old crone looked very pleased for a moment, gave her granddaughter a big smile and then turned her attention back to me with a snarl.

"I know your mother, she is a good woman. I should call her and tell her what kind of man you are, that is what I should do", old Granny spat.

I couldn't believe that this antiquated old hag was still nattering on about this and wouldn't let the subject drop. And now on top of that, she was threatening me.

"Oh so is that suppose to scare me? Calling my mother"?, I responded swiftly. "What am I, still five years old. Are you crazy"?

As I uttered the last few words I realized almost immediately that they were definitely not the best & well thought out words I could have used however before I could clarify, the old woman was on me like a hungry jackal with her verbal offensive.

Granny, her voice raised in anger, responded "Now you think that just because I am old that I am crazy and senile as well? Now let me tell you..."

I quickly tried to diffuse the situation by advising her that it was just an expression and I simply meant to say "Are you kidding or joking".

"I know what I heard. There is nothing wrong with my hearing", the aged crone responded bitterly. "You are a horrible, horrible man"

"An expression, just an expression", I continued to respond in my new familiar high pitched defensive voice.

Before she could say anything further Anna stood up and told me in no uncertain terms that I should leave the premises immediately as I was upsetting her Granny. This was definitely the best advise I had heard all day.
That would be all I need is for the decrepit fossil to get over-agitated and have a heart attack. She probably would do it just to spite me, I thought.

As I was walking towards my car, Tom ran out from the front door and told me not to worry and he would explain & straighten this terrible misunderstanding out with his grandmother.

"Not to worry, I'll give you a call in an hour when everything is straightened out", he promised.

I kind of figured that was just an expression on Tom's behalf and he really meant to say "Don't call us, We'll call you", however I took his comments at face value.

Well that was just over a week ago and I still haven't got the phone call from Tom and I really don't expect to.

And you know, I am really okay with that. I am pretty sure I don't want to hear from any of that crazy over-sensitive bunch again, because I really don't give a damn!  

Actually on second thought, they can all just
kiss my   !@!@&^*@.

And that's definitely NOT just an expression!